Awry

My beloved John Mayer has a song called "Something's Missing". He's wandering around, feeling like something is missing and he has no clue what it is. I feel like that sometimes lately, but not missing....AWRY...I love the word awry. It means something is off. Screwy. Not right. And I don't know what it is.

It could be that I'm in love. Love is some killer stuff, happy times. However, with love, comes the 'V' word. (no, not venereal disease.... pervs) V is for VULNERABLE. I hate that word more than the 'C' word. (no, not commitment) The OTHER C word, the ick one. I never use the C word...I don't have to....DebU uses it enough for me and 36 of my closest friends. At any rate...when you're in love, it hits you at some point that if this person walked away, it would hurt and that would suck...so thats vulnerability. I hate that. (so what....I have a character flaw....or 20...sue me) But I like being in love...thats hella cool. 8-)

It could be that I'm about to lose my favorite "aunt". She's dying of brain cancer right now. She's my mom's best friend since high school, and pretty much my other mom. She fought valiantly for me when she felt I was being treated unfairly by my own mom, (usually I wasn't, but she only had 2 boys, so my being a female was novel for her) and told me to shut up and sit down more times than I can count. My mom is doing the hero job right now of taking care of her, and spending precious time with her friend, while my Uncle Jim is in the office during the day. She's pretty cognizant, given her condition, and if she's awake, is aware of her goings on. Mom calls me a couple of times a day to vent, or share. Today she made me laugh my ass off.
Aunt Sandra had awoken, and had a question...
Sandra: How much do hearing aids cost?
Mom: ummmm...I'm not sure...why, who needs a hearing aid?
Sandra: LOTS of people need hearing aids!
(I can picture the idiot look she gave my mom for asking such a stupid question) LMAO There have been times when I wondered if she tried to make people feel stupid, and here she is, pulling it off, with brain swelling. There have been times we teamed up against her...sorry mom, we love you, you know that. I used to tease both of them that they must have gotten the babies mixed up...Surely i belonged to Sandra the party pig, whereas her son, who is a surgeon , MUST have come from my Virgo, anal rententive, mother.

It could be that my own spawn is acting so grown up of late. She's 8. She came in a couple of nights ago, having penned a letter to Zach C., the love of her life since Kindergarten. She had written down the chorus to "Check Yes or No" in a a letter to him. Basically asking if he loved her back. I would have sooner crawled through fiery broken glass than be that brave, at her age, or any! I, being a pessimistic soul that never wants her daughter to hurt, asked her if she was prepared should he say "no'. She didn't blink.
"Of course he does, or he wouldn't smile at me so much." Wow. Confidence. The force is strong in that one.

I guess thats what has me shaken a bit...confidence...or the lack thereof. I'm usually pretty confident. But I'm a planner by nature, and I simply don't know what's going to happen with so much right now. I like to know whats going to happen. Mr. Rogers taught me that in that song. That was rude of him. Little kids grow up, mister! Now what?? I shouldn't turn all the blame around on Fred Rogers. I was his friend. I was special. He told me so every day. Yay for that. RIP Mr. Rogers.