Time to vent.

OK, I try to do my best to keep shit entertaining all up in here, even when it's not funny, but I need to vent about my baby daddy. I'm just gonna puke it all here because its nothing that there's really a solution to, and I'm at the point where my friends and my boy probably are sick to death of hearing it. I would never rag him to my own child. And hey, like Bill Cosby used to say on the intro to the old school Fat Albert, if you're not careful, you just might learn something.
You know what? I'm not even gonna bore ya with the details. Because it doesn't matter. Bottom line, he hurt my daughter's feelings, third night in a row, by breaking promises to see her, and this is just the way it rolls far too often. He couldn't hurt my own feelings with a blow torch anymore, but my kiddo is golden. You hurt her, and I'm pissed. Getting your feelings hurt bites ass, especially when you're a 9 year old girl, but moreso, when it starts chipping away on your tiny female psyche. Because lately, she'll say things like "my dad hates me or he wouldn't do this." And that's what pounds on me. He doesn't hate her, he just loves his own agenda more than anything or anyone alive. (notice I didn't say he loves himself) And her statement riddles me with feelings and thoughts I can't make my own peace with.

Feeling #1 - How the hell did I manage to saddle her with such an asshat?
This was posed to me recently, and I can say in all honesty that he simply changed. Looking back, he was pretty near normal that first couple of years. I think he thought he'd found happiness. What I didn't know was that he hadn't found it before for very long. He just isn't a happy person. Happiness is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you chase and chase, but can't catch it. People that can't be happy are insatiable in their efforts, because the grass is always greener. People like that are usually the ones who cheat on others in relationships. Or are hip deep in debt. Or switch jobs every 6 months. There's always something they don't have that's missing. A Blonde, a bigscreen TV, a better boss, etc. Others can't help with this. It's all up to the person to be satisfied with the person they are, and life and what they have.

Feeling #2 - The Whole Daddy Thing. I'm clueless here. I grew up without a paternal figure around. I don't whine about it, my mom did a fantastic job (duh, just LOOK at me! heh!) but the guilt thing can arise from this. Did I misjudge due to this? Don't know. Can't say. Pointless to dwell on. I've had good relationships and bad ones, would still have lunch with most of them. Which is why all this action with her own dad wigs me out so badly. I can honestly say that if we didn't have a child together, we wouldn't have made it past 2 years, it would have been a "dude, take anything you want, just GO" kinda divorce, and would have never spoken again. I busted it to make things work for her sake. I still do. He's her Dad. But it's so trying at times. A situation arose recently where all he wanted to be was rid of her early on his weekend. Do I cave and let him get his way, and jack up my plans? Or do I leave her there in the midst of a temper tantrum from someone way to old to be throwing one? In the end, I caved. As a mom, I couldn't deal with the feelings she must be having as he ranted on the phone such as "He really wants me gone this badly?" I cried all the way home worried that this dickhead would jeopardize what I now have with someone that makes me happy.

Feeling #3 - The whole daughter thing. More guilt than possible to calculate there. Its been said a million times that we grow up to marry a man resembling our father. Because we hold them dear, no matter what, usually. We can overlook things, because they're Daddy. Again, no experience with this on my own part. But I see K doing it. She vaccillates back and forth between "I'm not going talk to him anymore, I'm just going to see how long it takes him to call" and trying her best to see the good in him. But given the above reference, I worry for who she will be picking out for her own someday. Will she allow herself to be treated badly, because she's used to it from the main man in her life? Ick, squared.

I try to live my life on a "no regrets" policy. If you do it, own it. I got an amazing gift from this person, and that is my daughter. She is incredibly smart, quirky, vivacious, caring, maddening, beautiful, argumentative, and charming when she feels like being so. I'm blessed with a good family, a plethora of friends, a wonderful man in my life and enough money to get by.

So, just take this for the rant it is, and maybe I'm cleansed. For now.

;)